Disturbed

A disturbed mind is an artist’s workshop. Explains why most of the creatively ingenious people led a disturbed life (most of them, anyways). In other words it is their sorrow that made them great. Pain led them to explore other avenues and subsequently what came out of them was applauded by the whole world.

And this makes me wonder why great things inside me don’t manifest themselves when I am disturbed. Does my disturbance lack enough depth or am I falling short in the creative department?

When I am upset, I slam doors, swear silently, yell at the kids and even lock myself up in a room. But never end up writing a masterpiece or cooking an exceptionally yummy mouth watering dish. So basically two things that I claim to be good at don’t stand by me in my hour of need.

And although this particular problem calls for a deep analysis, I am pretty much in consensus with the rest of the world about one aspect of the situation, I have what it takes!

This kind of confidence is good in a cut throat competitive scenario, but when there’s nobody to compete against, it is kind of a waste. So what happens when there is nothing to prove or nobody to challenge? The contrary creeps in. The apprehensive YOU eats away the self- assured YOU and from there on, it is downhill, all the way. You roll down faster than you climb up, states the law of physics.

Contentment is considered an ideal state of mind and like every other ideal thing on this earth, nearly impossible to achieve. Being content is like standing on a hoop, with proper training it is doable for a couple of minutes, but sooner or later, the balance is lost. And because you can fall either side, being content has two antonyms not one. Apathy and fidgety.

Being complacent for too long makes you vary of change. Wrapped in the cocoon of familiarity, you never realize when the confidence to step out of your comfort zone is lost. A day, not long ago, you believed you could conquer the world. Lethargy set in and now your world keeps getting smaller and smaller. Lethargy is a term related to the mind. The mind decides it cannot or does not want to do a certain thing, and the body obeys. This kind of indolence takes over the zeal for life and turns it into an inertness nobody wants to take notice of. As time passes you become oblivious; a non-entity; a person who has no personality left. If becoming this scares you, the alternative is even more frightening.

Ambition needs a harness. A thin invisible line separates ambition from greed and more often than not, it is crossed without a thought. Soon enough you are ruthless and restless, a victim of your own aspiration. If being lethargic made you imperceptible, being over ambitious will make you stand out, too much for your own good. In the quest to be noticeable, all you will take note of is yourself.

Since both of them are opposites of one particular word called “content”, a common thread runs through them, the consequence. You may have reached rock bottom or climbed the highest mountain. You will be alone and you will be lonely. In the first case, there isn’t much of you for people to see. Your loved ones will try and pull you out of the rubble, remind of you of the dynamite, which was once you, but you will be too lazy to take the effort. Life will go on for everybody else and for you too. Not even you will realize  that a part of you is dying. And in the other case if you choose to fly too high, not many will be able to keep pace with you. Your family, friends, people who matter, everybody will want to be a part of your journey, only as long as you let them be.

The disturbances in my day today force me to dwell on the issue of balance. Have I lost a part of me? Or have I become self indulgent? I ask myself these two questions almost simultaneously.